In the majority of cases it’s nearly impossible to make sense of a suicide. Unless you are in that place yourself, you would think why on earth would anyone do that? Surely there were other options, why would you choose an option so drastic – one you can never come back from? There’s a lot of things that don’t add up when a person is in that place, and therefore it’s more difficult for others to spot. Thinking only of my experience, of being very close to a person who in hindsight, was suffering, here are some of the paradoxes I can see now – but sadly I didn’t see it then:
You were the funniest person in every room – but inside you were the saddest
People naturally revolved around you – yet you were desperate to be seen
Through the eyes of others, you were so handsome – through your own, you were hideous
You were known to a lot of people – but did you let anyone know you at all?
You were one of the most gentle people I have known – yet nobody will ever rip my heart out as violently as you did
Everybody loved you – and you hated yourself
You always seemed brave – but you were scared to live … and for someone who was scared to live – you committed something so terrifying to most
You had the biggest heart – but no compassion for yourself
You talked a lot – but never once said what you really wanted to
We all thought you were so laid back – but you were the most highly strung
You feared rejection – so you rejected your entire world, including the people in it
You wanted to disappear – but you made yourself notorious
If I saw that other side of you maybe we could have talked through some of these things. Maybe I could have helped, or at least helped you get help, but unfortunately that time has passed. Rest easy brother. I’ll just leave this here in case it’s useful to someone else.