Hiding in plain sight – The paradoxes of a suicide

In the majority of cases it’s nearly impossible to make sense of a suicide. Unless you are in that place yourself, you would think why on earth would anyone do that? Surely there were other options, why would you choose an option so drastic – one you can never come back from? There’s a lot of things that don’t add up when a person is in that place, and therefore it’s more difficult for others to spot. Thinking only of my experience, of being very close to a person who in hindsight, was suffering, here are some of the paradoxes I can see now – but sadly I didn’t see it then:

You were the funniest person in every room – but inside you were the saddest

People naturally revolved around you – yet you were desperate to be seen

Through the eyes of others, you were so handsome – through your own, you were hideous

You were known to a lot of people – but did you let anyone know you at all?

You were one of the most gentle people I have known – yet nobody will ever rip my heart out as violently as you did

Everybody loved you – and you hated yourself

You always seemed brave – but you were scared to live … and for someone who was scared to live – you committed something so terrifying to most

You had the biggest heart – but no compassion for yourself

You talked a lot – but never once said what you really wanted to

We all thought you were so laid back – but you were the most highly strung

You feared rejection – so you rejected your entire world, including the people in it

You wanted to disappear – but you made yourself notorious

If I saw that other side of you maybe we could have talked through some of these things. Maybe I could have helped, or at least helped you get help, but unfortunately that time has passed. Rest easy brother. I’ll just leave this here in case it’s useful to someone else.

Did you know when you decided to go?

Did you know, when you decided to go, that it was forever? A concept that no living being can ever truly grasp. Did you think about the void we would feel for the rest of our forevers?

A decision so shattering, so sudden, so final ….. yet made in a moment. And even though you decided to go, you’re never really gone.

Always loved – Never forgotten X

I wish I could have told you

You were just a seventeen year old boy, who wanted to die.

I wish I could have told you then what I know now:

  • that what you’re so upset about now, won’t bother you next month
  • that most of your friends are fighting a battle just like you
  • that I’ll always always be here for you
  • that you will grow out of these awkward teens
  • that life is long and it is all ahead of you and it’s going to be so so good!
  • that you are beautiful
  • that you are loved

… But at 16, I didn’t know … All I can do is live by my own words & always be aware of others fighting the invisible battle.

RIP my brother – Always loved & Never forgotten